I took a little hiatus from Zaadz that, now, I feel sort of bad about. I feel like I really didn't need to do so, but I suppose hindsight is 20/20. My mental state for the past few weeks was tumultuous, and I think I very much would like to keep my Zaadz positive. I guess, what it is, is that I felt too negative to log in. Anyway, I just got finished watching an episode of 30 Days. For those that aren't familiar, 30 Days is a show where someone is placed in a situation that is almost a one-eighty from their own. In the episode I watched, an athiest was placed in a Christian household. I thought it was done very well. The Christian family they chose to place the athiest with was open-minded, honest, and genuinely good-hearted. It could have been a lot worse in that they might have been more evangelical, and the episode would have rapidly gone downhill. They brought up a lot of points of contention in the US right now. One of them was teaching creationism in schools. Or intelligent design. Now, it used to be that I was almost diametrically opposed to those things, but now. Now I don't think it would be so bad as long as it was handled correctly. And by correctly, I mean in an encompassing manner. I would be opposed to teaching either of those things if they were only taught from a Christian standpoint. If they included discussion and teaching of other religious creationism beliefs then I wouldn't mind so much. I think it would in fact be very good for children to be exposed to diversity at a young age. Keeping your kids from acknowledging that there are different points of view makes them less likely to be tolerant in the long run, in my opinion. Also, I find it interesting that most people in the US don't trust athiests. Like not having a belief in God makes you amoral? That boggles my mind. My athiest friends are some of the most moral people I know, and I think much of that has to do with the persecution they've recieved for their atheism. One of the other facts thrown out was that 50% of Americans wouldn't vote for a presidential candidate who didn't believe in God. And that made me stop to think, would I vote for someone who didn't believe in God? And the honest answer is I'm not sure. Clearly, it should have no bearing on who you elect so long as they're qualified, but there is a part of me that thinks it might be bad for this country (not necessarily any other country) to vote in an athiest. The American demographic requiers, I think, a faithful leader. I wish I could pinpoint why I feel that way. Hm. Something to think about. In other news, I attended a meditation class in Atlanta last week. The people at the Shambala Center were amazingly nice. I had a really great time there. I'm thinking seriously about attempting to return each week, even though it would kill my gas consumption. There's just not a more local place for me to go (that I've found). The only thing that's really bothering me, and that's a strong word for the nagging feeling I have, is that I'm not sure if Shambala Buddhism is right for me. Zen feels right, but only in the abstract. When I seriously consider Zen, look at it from all sides, I find that I don't like it's implementation. Clearly, I'm going to have to seek out some other places to go for "research." But, ultimately, I don't think it matters what center I go to. The Buddha's words are the same, and as long as you're surrounded with good people the details don't really matter that much. I bought a mala bracelet. Mala beads are the predecessor to the roseary. The necklaces have one-hundred and eight beads on them (the eight are in case you mess up your counting) and the bracelets have twenty-two. You're supposed to perform chants or prostrations in sets of one-hundred by counting the beads off. Now, I neither chant nor prostrate, and I realize that to many people it's going to appear that I'm making Buddhism into a fashion statement. But that's not why I'm wearing the beads. I'm wearing them to remind me that I have chosen to do something with my life. Every time I'm about to do something that's, well, un-Buddhist, I'm hoping that I'll feel my bracelet on my wrist and stop before I get started. The other day I almost had a hot dog at work. And I looked at my bracelet and said to myself, "You know what? I actually do agree with that vegeterianism thing, and I won't be doing the right thing by eating that hot dog." So. One hot dog down.

When I was younger I had a friend named Mayuri. Her family was Hindu. She told me that her brother (who was two) had been a gardener in a past life. I believed her with the simple acceptance of a child's mind. What else could I do? She believed it, and it seemed so natural. Why would she be wrong?

My father, not so long after, asked me what I thought happened to people when they died. I said, "I think whatever they think will happen to them will happen."

It wasn't until a few months ago that I read The Bhagavad-Gita. Turns out my ideas? Not so radical.

I call myself Buddhist, and most specifically Zen Buddhist, not because I think it entirely defines me but because it best reflects the way I feel about my faith. The Hindu faith does not reflect how I feel as well, though The Bhagavad-Gita moves me more compeltely than the Dhammapada. Krishna's words make me weep; the Buddha's merely make me contemplate.

I wanted to share some passages that particularly moved me. These quotes are from the translation by Eknath Easwaran.

Sri Krishna in Chapter Four
You and I have passed through many births, Arjuna. You have forgotten, but I remember them all.

My true being is unborn and changeless. I am the Lord who dwells in every creatures. Through the power of my own maya, I manifest myself in a finite form.

Whenever the dharma declines and the purpose of life is forgotten, I manifest myself on earth. I am born in every age to protect the good, to destroy evil, and to re-establish the dharma.

He who knows me as his own divine Self breaks through the belief that he is the body and is not reborn as a separate creature. Such a one, Arjuna, is united with me. Delivered from selfish attachment, fear, and anger, filled with me, surrendering themselves to me, purified in the fire of my being, many have reached the state of unity in me.

As men approach me, so I recieve them. All paths, Arjuna, lead to me.

My take on this is very simple: all faiths are the same. All Gods are Krishna. Jesus was a manifestation of Vishnu for the Western world, as Krishna was a manifestation for the Eastern. Buddha and Muhammed, also. God knows and loves us all, and thus he knows that not all people will follow the same path. He manifests himself for us to find a path to him, no matter what path that is. Over and over again will this continue, until all men have found God.

Arjuna in Chapter Six
Krishna, what happens to the man who has faith but who lacks self-control and wanders from the path, not attaining success in yoga. If a man becomes deluded on the spiritual path, will he lose the support of both worlds like a cloud scattered in the sky? Krishna, you can dispel all doubts; remove this doubt which binds me.

Krishna
Arjuna, my son, such a person will not be destroyed. No one who does good work will ever come to a bad end, either here on in the world to come.

When such people die, they go to other realms where the righteous live. They dwell there for countless years and then are reborn into a home which is pure and prosperous. Or they may be born into a family where meditation is practiced; to be born into such a family is extremely rare. The wisdom they have acquired in previous lives will be reawakened, Arjuna, and they will strive even harder for Self-realization. Indeed, they will be driven on by the strength of their past disciplines.

Krishna in Chapter Seven
Good people come to worship me for different reasons. Some come to the spiritual life because of suffering, some in order to understand life; some come through a desire to achieve life's purpose, and some come who are men and women of wisdom. Unwavering in devotion, always united with me, the man or woman of wisdom surpasses all the others. To them I am the dearest beloved, and they are very dear to me. All those who follow the spiritual path are blessed. But the wise who are always established in union, for whom there is no higher goal than me, may be regarded as my very Self.

After many biths the wise seek refuge in me, seeing me everywhere and in everything. Such great souls are very rare. There are others whose discrimination is misled by many desires. Following their own nature, they worship lower gods, practicing various rites.

When a person is devoted to something with complete faith, I unify his faith in that. Then, when his faith is completely unified, he gains the object of his devotion. In this way, every desire is fulfilled by me. Those whose understanding is small attain only transient satisfaction: those who worship the gods go to the gods. But my devotees come to me.

To me, these two passages mean that yes: what you believe will happen when you die will happen. But it is not the end of the story. You will stay there for some time, and then, eventually, you will once more be reborn. You must find God as he is, rather than the masks that he wears. You must find God-as-Self (or God-as-Love).

Krishna in Chapter Eight
The Lord is the supreme poet, the first cause, the sovereign ruler, subtler than the tiniest praticle, the support of all, inconceivable, bright as the sun, beyond darkness.

I just thought this was pretty... :}

Krishna in Chapter Twelve 
That one I love who is incapable of ill will, who is friendly and compassionate. Living beyond the reach of I and mine and of pleasure and pain, patient, contented, self-controlled, firm in faith, with all his heart and all his mind given to me- with such a one I am in love.

Not agitating the world of by it agitated, he stands above the sway of elation, competition, and fear: he is my beloved.

He is detached, pure, efficient, impartial, never anxious, selfless in all his undertakings; he is my devotee, very dear to me.

He is dear to me who runs not after the pleasant or away from the painful, grieves not, lusts not, but lets things come and go as they happen.

That devotee who looks upon friend and foe with equal regard, who is not buoyed up by praise nor cast down by blame, alike in heat and cold, pleasure and pain, free from selfish attachments, the same in honor and dishonor, quiet, ever full, in harmony everywhere, firm in faith- such a one is dear to me.

Here, Krishna is saying that those who love will be those who find him. Love thy neighbor as thyself, for God is in both

 

When I met my most recent ex I was enlightened to the fact that I was stagnant. My whole life had stalled out. I'd become complacent, or perhaps just apathetic. I was saying to myself, "I'm good enough the way I am." But it wasn't positive. It was more like, "I'm good enough the way I am. Why change? Nobody else is."

 She is deeply Christian. Her faith, and the way it made her see people, taught me more than one lesson about myself. She gave me motivation to become a person who wants to be a part of change, but she also showed me that I am a person who needs to change myself first. I'm angry, bitter and judgemental toward the Christian faith. My issues with Christianity are not even limited to things only Christians do; when you get right down to it, the issues I have with Christendom are things I should take issue with in most religions. But for some reason, Christianity strikes a nerve.

A really big nerve.

 I attribute this to the fact that I grew up in the Bible Belt, and was subjected to a lot of Bible Thumping in high school. My sexuality made me a target (still does, I guess), not to mention the fact that I've never considered myself Christian and have always been fairly vocal about it. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I was persecuted in a past life, or was a persecutor. That is to say, I think that my issues with this religion go a lot deeper than the things I've experienced in this life. I'm a lot more bitter than some of the other people I know who've been treated worse.

 I think the reason I'm writing this post is because I feel like I'm going a little crazy. I want to be tolerant. I want to be the kind of person who can accept all things, but there are some things done in the name of Jesus that I really cannot accept. When a person is made to call themselves an abomination, or think they are depraved for being who they are - that's wrong. When a person tells another person that they are wrong for being who they are - that's wrong. And here's the kicker: almost all religions say, in one way or another, that being gay is wrong. But the one that gets me riled up? Christianity.

 In my opinion most religious doctrine on being gay is directly related to the cleanliness of the action. Let's face it: buttsex is not clean. Statistically speaking, it's the least performed act of a sexual nature between gay men. To do it safely takes at least two hours prep time. And lesbian sex? That's even messier. Sexual disease is not a new thing. Naturally people would want to keep it from spreading.

You could also argue that anti-gay dogma is a way of making sure people reproduce. Or that it relates to the war-time custom of raping those that you conquer (nobody likes to be raped, thus male-on-male action becomes against God). I mean, there are any number of reasons.

 But the idea that it's unnatural to be who you are? I don't think that's true. I know it's not true. I am the way God made me to be.

 I just wish I knew why Christians tick me off so badly in this regard (or even in general). They are hardly the only ones who feel this way. Buddhism prohibits homosexual intercourse as unclean (though it also prohibits anal sex among straight couples, hand-jobs, and oral sex). But that doesn't bother me as much. It still ruffles a feather or two, but I don't react quite so violently.

I need to face my demons on this one. I just don't know where to start. 

I wish there were a template for a first blog post. I think it would make life on the internet a whole lot easier. You could fill out this template any time you opened a new blog or website and post the 'results' for everyone to see. Since this template would, of course, be universal, you'd get the same information from every first post on any website. Boring, you say? Yes, well. Informative, is what I say.

 I mean, what do I put here? Do I inundate you with all of the trivial details of my life? Do I tell you only the basic of facts? Do I not bother with any of that and jump right into my mind or my life?

 The latter seems most appealing, but with all things context is always good.

 My journey to now (I suppose you could say my journey to Zaadz) has been a long stretch of well-planned and executed actions. That is to say, my subconcious knows exactly what I need to get me to where I want to be, and it's placed me here through the things that have happened to me. It started by birthing me into the middle of a strange, loving family. I grew up without constraint - my only boundries were self-inflicted. I was taught to love everyone, to learn everything and to believe only what I felt was correct.

 I would like to say that I've been spiritual my whole life. I think at some points I even claimed I was. But the truth is that God finds you however he can (and I use the term he, and even God, loosely). God brings you close to him in any way, shape or form. For me, it took a lot of heartache.

 I wouldn't say that I ever realized before puberty that I was different. I just liked people. I didn't chase kids around the playground with valentines. I just befriended them. When I got to be twelve I realized that I found everyone, well, stimulating. High school was an excersize in balance. Honesty and Secrecy, Truth and Lies. I didn't come out to my parents until I was in college. Terribly anticlimactic, that.

 Fastforward to now. Twenty-two years old and four broken hearts later. In the middle of broken heart number four I was faced with the realization that I am not the person I want to be. That I could be better. That being better is the only option. So, I put back the Tarot deck I started to buy and picked up Geri Larken's Stumbling Toward Enlightenment.

 Imagine my surprise when I find out I'm Buddhist. That is to say, everything I've ever believed is pretty much encompassed in this world religion that billions of other people follow. I'm not so alone. Now, that doesn't mean I believe everything the religion teaches, but the Buddha did leave me that handy little note about not believing anything unless it felt right to me, so I don't think that's too terribly bad.

  What I want now, what I'm hoping Zaadz can help me with, is to move forward. God found me wallowing, and picking myself up again is proving difficult. I am my own worst enemy, and my friends are not always in a position spiritually to be of any aid. We're a selfish set of people, this generation of mine. I want to change that by knowing others and letting others know me.

 Opening yourself up to someone you've never met - or even to someone you've known your whole life - can be terrifying. But I think Zaadz is making it easy. Zaadz is making it important.

I want to open up to you. I want you to open up to me.

May all beings be at ease. Life is full of joy.